Ted Cruz: “I Will Endorse Donald Trump For President If He Makes Masturbation Illegal”

Ted Cruz to endorse Donald Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) — U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) sent shockwaves through the Republican Party today when he announced that he would endorse Donald Trump for President, but only if the GOP nominee would be willing to publicly support a ban on masturbation. The Senator called this ‘The single most important issue facing the country today’ and that without ‘swift action by the next President the country was doomed to slide down a slippery slope of debauchery and self-satisfaction’.

“Self-love is a silent killer in this country. This needless act of hedonistic indulgence is leading our children down a dark and destructive path. It starts innocently enough with a JC Penney catalogue tucked under your mattress, but it quickly spirals out of control, and before you know it, your mother has to call the coroner because you’ve died from auto-erotic asphyxiation. I’m not saying that we should lock up these one armed bandits and throw away the key; what we need is a compassionate approach that helps these deviants reform and become productive members of society. That is why I believe a prison sentence of three to five years will help motivate these heathens to change their evil ways and stay off the Devil’s playground for good,” Cruz said. “I’m asking Mr. Trump to acknowledge the severity of this problem, and commit to finding real solutions. If he does that, I will do whatever it takes to help him secure the White House in November. Should Mr. Trump decline, I think it’s safe to say that all options, including a third party run, are out on the table.”

Donald Trump told ABC News that he was open to the idea, though he refused to take a clear stand.

“Look, do I think Senator Cruz is right about this? You know, maybe he is. To be honest, I don’t know a lot about taking care of your own business down there. I don’t need to. I’m an amazing lover, the best lover, and I literally have women lined up around the block to be with me. I could have any woman I wanted, so there is no need to for me to be grabbing at very large and not at all inadequate straws. But I do think this business about playing with your own business could have national security implications. My people are going to sit down and look hard and this situation and find a great answer for it, the best answer there is.”

This is not the first time that Cruz has attempted to use his political power to curtail the act of self-stimulation. As solicitor general of Texas in 2007 he fought to uphold the state’s ban on sex toys by arguing that there was no “Right to stimulate one’s genitals.” Cruz eventually lost this battle, but the story re-surfaced this year and gained widespread media attention, prompting Cruz’s former college roommate Craig Mazin to tweet that Cruz’s stance against stimulating one’s own genitals was “A new belief of his”, implying that much of Cruz’s time in college was, in fact, spent stimulating his own genitals. Another one of Cruz’s former college roommates, Matt Daemon, has recently come forward to corroborate Mazin’s story.

“All Ted Cruz did was take care of little Ted Cruz back then, which is fine I guess, but he was always real creepy about doing it. Honestly, I lost track of the number of times I came home to find him laying on the couch naked, lotion and Kleenex next to him, watching re-runs of Walker Texas Ranger. He wouldn’t even try and cover up when I caught him, he would just stare at me in the eyes and continue until I left the room. It’s absolutely hilarious about the tough stance on touching one’s self that Ted has taken in this country. I truly believe he may have pulled on it one too many times and it broke or something and now feels that if he can’t do it anymore, then no one can.”

Sarah Bradley, a spokeswoman for Sock It Forward, a group that provides the homeless and those less fortunate with brand new socks, told ABC News that she is sickened by the Republican party.

“It is absolutely disgusting that in this day in age, a creepy weirdo like Ted Cruz was almost elected as the GOP nomination for President,” Bradley said. “With all the real problems in this country like starvation, so many people out of work and families living on the street, Cruz is focused on making pleasuring yourself a crime.” Bradley continued, “Also, I just want to say a big thank you to everyone that has supported our cause in giving new socks to the homeless, it means so much. Please, donate what you can, every bit helps.”

Cruz, however, remains undeterred by his detractors. “When you play with your Devil stick or ring the Devil’s doorbell you make the angels in heaven weep, and they are weeping for this country 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. America needs strong moral leadership, and I pray that Donald Trump is up to the task. The fate of our great nation is in his hands; hopefully, they’re big enough to handle it.”

Most pundits expect Trump to answer Cruz’s call and demand a stiffer approach to the matter. A recent poll by the New York Times found that 43% of likely Trump voters support a ban on self-stimulation due to moral and religious concerns. Another 46% would be okay with a ban, saying that they, like Trump, have far too many potential suitors, and therefore do not need to satisfy their own urges. Only 11% of Trump supporters are against a ban.

RNC political strategist, 37-year-old Paul Horner, calls the move a “no-brainer” and says that Trump would be foolish to turn his back on Cruz.

“Conservatives are siding with Cruz overwhelmingly on this issue. If Donald does not side with the Senator, he risks alienating the party’s Christian base and opening the door for a third party run by Cruz which would fracture the vote and all but guarantee a victory for Clinton. Trump needs to agree with Cruz on this one, no matter how creepy, insane and absolutely horrible of a person he is.”

Regardless of which side Trump takes on the issue, it is certain to invoke heated debate on both sides of the political aisle. You can voice your opinion about Cruz’s proposal by calling the Senator’s 24-Hour No Self-Love Hotline at (785) 273-0325.

  1. Ryan Henderson 1 year ago

    About time someone did something for family values in this country! Way to go Ted Cruz!

  2. Dave Edwins 1 year ago

    Make America great again! Donald Trump 2016!

  3. Donald Snyder 1 year ago

    This country has gone to Hell because of that nigger Muslim in charge! Keep up the great work Ted Cruz and Donald Trump!!!

  4. kristine weibel 1 year ago

    WTF: are you serious. Has this moron lost his mind completely? Who is he to impose his religious views on the rest of us…..not on my watch. Fuck you.

  5. Robert Darmody 1 year ago


  6. Matt Sir Baeshun 1 year ago

    How come Ted did not mention women self pleasuring themselves ? Is it ok for women to reach down and rub the devil’s lips or ring the doorbell ? Also, does that mean that guys can be arrested for playing with the devil’s stick all for a good cause due to sperm donation. Guess that means sperm donation centers will have to implement new regulations meaning that women will have to play with the devils stick for sperm donations. Hell if thats the case I will be donating sperm everyday ! Can us guys be arrested for having sexual dreams of us whacking the devils stick ??? Hmmmm ?

  7. Lindsey Petramale 1 year ago

    But seriously, Ted Cruz is such a guy that i didn’t think twice that he would say something along those lines. It is an understandable mistake.

  8. Nope 12 months ago

    And who is going to monitor this sticky situation! HAH

  9. Yeah Right 11 months ago

    Auto-erotic asphyxia, eh? I know for a fact that Ted Cruz never invented that term and probably doesn’t even know what “asphyxia” means really (I mean etymologically), and some wonk who does his legwork for him dug that up (or invented it: there are actually intelligent persons working the boiler rooms of politics: we rarely see them or know of them). But never mind that, because I can tell you as someone who has masturbated nearly daily (sometimes multiple times in a day) to culmination, for DECADES, well, the idea of anyone of nominal health, especially a YOUNG person dying in this way is just on the face of it UTTERLY RIDICULOUS, much like most of what under more ‘normal’ Cruzian circumstances pours out of this man’s upper anus.

  10. barney 11 months ago

    Grandpa Munster wants his reality tv show too!

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