Just when you thought the drug problem in Colorado could not get any worse, law enforcement officials are now reporting incidents of marijuana users not only overdosing and dying, but also turning gay.
DENVER C.O. (AP) — “We’ve never seen anything like this before,” said Dr. Hans Vermhat of the Barrow Neurological Institute. “The drug addicts in Colorado are injecting a new strain of marijuana that changes the chemical makeup in the brain’s receptors which control the users like or dislike of the opposite sex; ultimately turning them into a flaming homosexual.”
“The idea of 100% marijuana legalization all throughout this great country is reckless, irresponsible and to simplify my response down to its most simplest answer; absolutely bird-brained,” Leonhart said. “This new gay marijuana that I am referring to, AKA ‘Homo Kush 69’, well frankly, it scares us. There are good, clean-living, straight kids out there that because of just one snort of this evil drug are suddenly transformed into gay, perverted, masturbating space demons. How much longer do politicians need to keep this deadly experiment going before the universe implodes on itself?”
“Right after I injected the pot I knew something was terribly wrong,” Horner said. “My friend Dave, who I don’t even really like, well, we were so high from this stuff, we started making out and giving each other HJ’s. I used to like girls, I swear!” Horner suddenly breaks down in tears, “I wish I would have never became addicted to drugs because I don’t like lady naughty parts anymore, I only like ding-dongs!”
Leonhart finished by telling Colorado residents what to be on the lookout for in order to help keep your family safe.
“I urge the great people of Colorado to be on the lookout for ‘Homo Kush 69’, the sharing of pot needles and especially gay stoners. These potheads don’t care if they turn gay or not, all they care about is getting their next fix.”
The DEA is urging residents who have information about this homosex strain of marijuana to call the Denver Police Department at (785) 273-0325. As always, you can remain anonymous.