San Diego, CA — In an ironic twist of a fate, a mascot for a Christian anti-masturbation group was arrested today for masturbating in public. The mascot, along with his organization, Stop Masturbation Now, recently finished a federally funded 31-city nationwide school tour which they claim focused on educating children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation.
Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, whose real name is 37-year-old Paul Horner, was arrested at Sea World after employees notified police about a man swimming in the dolphin tank with nothing on except a dolphin mascot head.
“We thought at first he was possibly intoxicated or mentally unstable, ya know, talking about children and how deadly it is for them to masturbate. Telling us he was at the park with a Christian organization speaking to children about the dangers of masturbation. Saying things like, ‘They need to stop playing on the Devil’s playground, stop pounding their Devil stick and ringing the Devil’s doorbell’, we thought he was insane,” Downey said. “Turns out he actually was with this anti-masturbation organization who were accompanying a group of 3rd graders around the park when Horner left the children to swim with the dolphins and masturbate. We further learned that Mr. Horner has three previous arrests for public masturbation, all while employed by this Christian organization who goes by the name of Stop Masturbation Now.”
Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now spoke with reporters about the future of the organization after this recent setback.
“Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy has helped tens of thousands of children learn to live a masturbation-free lifestyle. During his countless visits to schools around the world, Fappy has collected thousands of signatures from children promising to never masturbate; he has done amazing things,” Childs said. “It is a shame how the media is portraying Fappy right now. Paul Horner is a great man. He is passionate about his work, he loves being Fappy and he especially loves the kids. They even have a nickname for him; they call him the tickle monster. But now, all of that is possibly ruined by some trumped-up charges by the San Diego five-oh, such a shame.” Childs continued, “These lies about Fappy sicken me to my very core. The security guards who “observed” the crime in question need to be investigated. What is their motive? Are they masturbators? Are they agents of Big Masturbation? What are their crimes? These are the questions that must be addressed. Furthermore, we have found that, over the years, the only thing that Fappy “beats” are all the fraudulent charges brought against him. I have activated my prayer app and I ask each and every one of you to keep Fappy in your prayers until this misunderstanding is resolved.”
40-year-old Phil Freedom, who was visiting the park with his two boys, witnessed the act in question.
“This man was just standing there naked, furiously masturbating, and staring through the glass at those dolphins with so much anger. He then climbed into the water with only a dolphin’s mascot head on and began attempting to hump those innocent porpoises. It was absolutely horrifying.”
On the group’s Facebook page, news was posted of the arrest.
All my faithful Fappy followers, I have some extremely bad news to report. I want you to hear it here first before the liberal media hate machine spreads their lies about the incident. Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, whose real name is Paul Horner, was arrested today outside of Sea World by the San Diego Police Department. Our lawyers tell us he is being charged with public masturbation, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. He is currently being held at the San Diego Central Jail until a bond is set by a judge, this happening hopefully soon. Please don’t jump to any conclusions about this until we have all the evidence. Please keep Fappy in your prayers during this difficult time.
Horner’s attorney, Pattie Smith, told CBS News the dolphin mascot will try and prevent masturbation in prison if found guilty.
“Horner is in good spirits and patiently waiting to see a judge for his bond hearing,” Smith said. “Horner told me he is innocent, but if found guilty, says he will put an end to inmate masturbation in every jail and prison across the country, starting with the one he may be serving time at. I personally was not aware of this information about the penal system, but it seems jail is just a hotbed for self-rape and immoral acts. Horner is a hero, a prophet, and a savior to all the lost heathenish souls out there with deadly masturbation addictions.” Smith continued, “This may be his fourth arrest for masturbating in public, but so far Horner has never been convicted. Luckily our federally funded organization has lots of connections in Washington, plus, of course he is innocent. All I can ask is that you please keep Fappy in your prayers during these difficult times.”
Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach children about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For more information or if you would like the group to visit your child’s school call (785) 273-0325.