Author Archive for: Jimmy Rustling, CBS News

Christian Anti-Masturbation’s Mascot “Fappy” Arrested For Public Masturbation While Swimming Naked With The Dolphins At Sea World In San Diego

Fappy arrested at Sea World in San Diego

San Diego, CA — In an ironic twist of a fate, a mascot for a Christian anti-masturbation group was arrested today for masturbating in public. The mascot, along with his organization, Stop Masturbation Now, recently finished a federally funded 31-city nationwide school tour which they claim focused on educating...

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$1.5 Billion Powerball Winner In California Comes Forward

California Powerball Winner

Chino Hills, CA — This morning lottery officials were pleased to announce that one of the three winners in last night’s world record setting, $1.5 billion Powerball drawing, has come forward. That lucky person is 37-year-old Paul Horner from Chino Hills, California. Horner won by matching all five white...

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9Gag Sues Reddit For $20 Million For Libel & Damages

9Gag sues Reddit for $20 million

San Francisco, CA — The humor website 9Gag is suing Reddit for libel and damages in the amount of $20,000,000. That is a two with seven zeros attached to it. Tom Downey, Esq., 9Gag’s head attorney told CBS News the lawsuit is long over due and definitely winnable. “The...

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This Country Needs To Raise The Minimum Wage Before It Is Too Late

Raise the minimum wage

Yesterday I had to get a couple things and the only store open was Walmart. Pretty disgusting forcing your employees to work on New Year’s Day. Also I felt pretty disgusting going to Walmart and supporting Walmart. When I was checking out I talked to the cashier for a...

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5 Members Of ISIS Arrested In Washington: Train Attack On The White House Foiled

ISIS terror plot to run train into Whitehouse

Washington, DC — Washington D.C. Police and Secret Service Agents arrested five members of ISIS today after thwarting a deadly train attack on the White House. D.C. Police Chief Tom Downey spoke with reporters about the failed terror plot. “We have arrested five members of an ISIS terror cell,...

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Christian Anti-Masturbation Mascot Sentenced To 8 Years For Public Masturbation

Fappy the Dolphin sentenced to eight years in prison

San Diego, CA — A mascot for a federally funded Christian anti-masturbation organization was sentenced to eight years in federal prison after being convicted of assault on a police officer, molesting a dolphin, and public masturbation. This was the fourth arrest for public  in three years for 37-year-old Paul...

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Mall Sues Christmas Lighting Company For Obscene Penis Light Display

Obscene Christmas light display

DeQuincy, LA — A Holiday Lighting Company is under fire after their Christmas light display became X-rated, scarring shoppers and making mall owners furious. DeQuincy Mills Mall in DeQuincy, Louisiana claims their holiday lighting display was defaced with vulgar language and obscene images by a holiday lighting company they...

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Donald Trump’s Campaign Website Hacked – WARNING: Graphic Content

Donald Trump's Campaign Website Hacked - WARNING: Graphic Content

Washington, DC — Donald Trump’s presidential campaign website,, was hacked this morning and as of this press release the site is still showing an alternate version. That alternate version is a parody of a popular meme known as the Lemon Party. It is not clear what group or...

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Donald Trump Introduces ‘Nazi-Like’ Plan Requiring All Muslims & Refugees To Wear Badges

Donald Trump Muslim Refugee badges

Washington, DC — After calling for a ban on all Muslims attempting to enter the United States, the Republican presidential front-runner went one step further. During an interview today with Fox News, Donald Trump unveiled plans making it mandatory for all Muslim people and refugees currently residing in the...

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