Author Archive for: Jimmy Rustling, CBS News

Donald Trump Announces Sheriff Joe Arpaio As Vice Presidential Running Mate

Trump picks Arpaio for Vice President

Yesterday, Sheriff Joe Arpaio officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. Today, Trump shocked the country by announcing Arpaio as his pick for Vice Presidential running mate in 2016. “I have great respect for Joe Arpaio,” Trump told reporters. “Like me, he understands that we must restore law and order...

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Second $1.6 Billion Powerball Jackpot Winner Comes Forward

California Powerball Winner

Chino Hills, CA — This morning lottery officials were pleased to announce that the second of the three winners in Wednesday’s world record setting, $1.58 billion Powerball drawing, has come forward. That lucky person is 37-year-old Paul Horner from Chino Hills, California. Horner won by matching all five white...

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Christian Anti-Masturbation’s Mascot “Fappy” Arrested For Public Masturbation While Swimming Naked With The Dolphins At Sea World In San Diego

Fappy arrested at Sea World in San Diego

San Diego, CA — In an ironic twist of a fate, a mascot for a Christian anti-masturbation group was arrested today for masturbating in public. The mascot, along with his organization, Stop Masturbation Now, recently finished a federally funded 31-city nationwide school tour which they claim focused on educating...

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$1.5 Billion Powerball Winner In California Comes Forward

California Powerball Winner

Chino Hills, CA — This morning lottery officials were pleased to announce that one of the three winners in last night’s world record setting, $1.5 billion Powerball drawing, has come forward. That lucky person is 37-year-old Paul Horner from Chino Hills, California. Horner won by matching all five white...

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9Gag Sues Reddit For $20 Million For Libel & Damages

9Gag sues Reddit for $20 million

San Francisco, CA — The humor website 9Gag is suing Reddit for libel and damages in the amount of $20,000,000. That is a two with seven zeros attached to it. Tom Downey, Esq., 9Gag’s head attorney told CBS News the lawsuit is long over due and definitely winnable. “The...

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This Country Needs To Raise The Minimum Wage Before It Is Too Late

Raise the minimum wage

Yesterday I had to get a couple things and the only store open was Walmart. Pretty disgusting forcing your employees to work on New Year’s Day. Also I felt pretty disgusting going to Walmart and supporting Walmart. When I was checking out I talked to the cashier for a...

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5 Members Of ISIS Arrested In Washington: Train Attack On The White House Foiled

ISIS terror plot to run train into Whitehouse

Washington, DC — Washington D.C. Police and Secret Service Agents arrested five members of ISIS today after thwarting a deadly train attack on the White House. D.C. Police Chief Tom Downey spoke with reporters about the failed terror plot. “We have arrested five members of an ISIS terror cell,...

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Christian Anti-Masturbation Mascot Sentenced To 8 Years For Public Masturbation

Fappy the Dolphin sentenced to eight years in prison

San Diego, CA — A mascot for a federally funded Christian anti-masturbation organization was sentenced to eight years in federal prison after being convicted of assault on a police officer, molesting a dolphin, and public masturbation. This was the fourth arrest for public  in three years for 37-year-old Paul...

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Mall Sues Christmas Lighting Company For Obscene Penis Light Display

Obscene Christmas light display

DeQuincy, LA — A Holiday Lighting Company is under fire after their Christmas light display became X-rated, scarring shoppers and making mall owners furious. DeQuincy Mills Mall in DeQuincy, Louisiana claims their holiday lighting display was defaced with vulgar language and obscene images by a holiday lighting company they...

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Copyright 2016 | All Rights Reserved | Powered by HITTEKK | Proudly owned by CBS News President & CEO, Dr. Paul Horner. We need writers! Contact us! Looking to advertise? Contact us! All trademarks, service marks, trade names, trade dress, product names, images and logos appearing on the site are the property of their respective owners. | Do you have a complaint? We love to hear them! You can call our complaint department directly at (785) 273-0325 | Do you have a problem with self-rape? Are you looking to get off the Devil's playground? Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin can help! Praise Fappy!

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